Hemorrhoid

What is it? Do we even talk about it? Not really, but then again that isn’t what this posting is all about. Basically a hemorrhoid is a pain in the ass. Literally that’s what it is, right?

A pain in the ass. What exactly is a pain in the ass? Well I’ll tell you. A pain in the ass is simply someone or something that drives you crazy! Now there are a lot of things/people that drive me crazy. OH, I know you are wondering who is a pain in my ass? Well that will come later.

Something that is a pain in my ass is…….dealing with the everyday crap that just clogs your email. All that garbage that sits there clogging up your account. All that junk mail that finds it’s way into my PO Box or my mail box. Another pain in my ass is how people will equate the death of their father, grandfather, etc when they have died of natural causes with the death of my late husband Robb, who was killed in action in Iraq 8 years ago. There is nothing in this world like a combat death. From the last phone call to the notification team showing up on your door and all that follows, there is no death on this earth that can be compared. Remember, I’ve said this before, I’m not claiming a combat death is more heartbreaking, because it isn’t. But I am saying is a combat death is far different than a civilian death.

Someone that is a pain in my ass … well I won’t name names here cause that’s just rude. BUT there are times when certain people drive me up a wall. They ask stupid questions, not once but repeatedly ask the same question only to get the same answer over and over again. Drivers who insist on driving in the fast lane going 55mph. OH this one really gets me. The retired men who sit in lawn chairs on a street clocking cars as they drive by and writing down license plates. Don’t they have anything better to do? Another person that’s a pain in my ass are people who insist they are right no matter what? YEP they drive me crazy. People who like a post on facebook that they LIKE the announcement of a soldier/sailor/airman/marine/coastie killed in action. YEAH those people are a pain in my ass! I was told once they were honoring that military person. Well guess what? That soldiers family doesn’t consider a “LIKE” as honoring. Instead of “liking” the post send the family a condolence card and then follow up with some sort of card once a month for a year. Now that is a far better way to honor that soldier/sailor/marine/airman/coastie!

So, you see a hemorrhoid is not just a real honest pain in the ass, but it is something else all together.

This Lonely Life of Mine

Being a widow is a lonely life. I’m sure some are wondering why I’m writing this, but I’ll tell you the truth and only the truth as I see it. Ever since Robb died in Iraq my life has become very lonely. I’m home most nights by myself. I rarely go out and when I do go out I’m by myself. On Tuesday afternoon I went to Barnes and Noble by myself to pick up a book that just came out. I hung out there as long as I could, but eventually I had to come home. Today I took the laptop to the Geek Squad to get it fixed, then I went and picked up lunch at a Philly steak place. Now the last two days I forced myself out the door, which it seems to have become the norm for me lately. Before Robb died I was always doing something with someone. What happened?

I think being a widow causes people to not want to talk to you for fear that they will say something that will remind me of Robb. Well, hell I do that all on my own anyway, so it’s not a biggie with me. I think people just don’t know how to talk to me anymore. They don’t know what to say for fear they might offend me or I them. They don’t want to take a look into my life as it is now knowing what my life was like before. I think it’s hard for them to do that. When Robb was alive we did stuff with other couples all the time. Now, my phone only rings when my daughter calls, my brother calls, or a telemarketing company calls. I think that a lot of women see me as who they don’t want to be, meaning the widow. There’s a connotation with the word “widow” and it’s not a good one either. When I really think about the word “widow” I think of something dark and kinda creepy. I don’t see happiness, joy, hope, or anything pleasant and that tells me most others see the same as I do. Now I must admit when I look at it that way, I wouldn’t want to spend time with me either, just because the word isn’t something we assign a good meaning to it. That’s sad I think. It would be so nice to have friends that would actually call me and say, “hey lets go to a movie, or go for a cup of coffee.” and yet that doesn’t happen.

I have discovered that this happens to other widows as well. But it still boggles my mind. Why do we do this? Why is being a widow so terrible that we don’t reach out and bring them into our group. At church I wanted to be in a small group, and after I signed up I never received a call. I’m not sure what happened, and I like to think there was a mistake along the way, but no one ever called and said you’re in our group. So after a while (like 2 years or so) I asked a couple of group leaders if I could be in their group, and I was told they needed to check with the group to be fair. I said OK and now I’m in a small group. I’m still not sure why widows are treated like the plague, but that’s how I’ve been treated. This whole death thing is weird anyway, and yet being a widow makes the death thing seem like a much better situation to be in. (not that I’m going to do anything like off myself, I’m way to chicken to do that.)

As American’s I think we view the whole death thing really oddly. Death isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and yet so many of us put such a dark gloomy cloud around it no one wants to even discuss it. Death shouldn’t be feared, well I don’t think it should. I know Robb didn’t fear it. He said so time after time again, “when it’s your time it’s time, there’s nothing you can do about it.” He is right too.

I don’t have any answers yet to my many questions, but rest assured I’m looking for the answers and when I have them I’ll pass them along.