Headaches

For the last few days I’ve been fighting a headache. I hate headaches. When I get one it really interferes in my daily life. Now I realize my daily life is BORING with no job, but a headache still interferes.

Today I wanted to go over to Portland to get my grandson his gift for his birthday, he’ll be 7 tomorrow. Anyway, I knew if I drove over the bridge with this headache I would get stuck in traffic. Not that there was any traffic, but with my luck there would be by the time I would be driving home.

Now I really haven’t had a bad headache is quite a while, but this one started on Sunday and I hope it has started to leave my head. Why must we deal with headaches? I’d like to know why? I know why we, women have cramps, it’s all Eve’s fault. So what happened to cause God to make it so we have to have these headaches. Was it Adam? Was it Adam and Eve? Did they have a silly argument and God decided, “fine you two idiots, here’s something for you to think about” and bang HEADACHE! YES, I know a little far fetched, but I really want to know and I’m sure there are others out there that agree with me.

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It’s About Relationships

Life and Relationships

I do believe this say’s it all. Well, I think it does at least. There are some people who don’t understand this at all. They think that a person dies, so does your relationship with that person. That is NOT TRUE. Then they believe you should be a certain way, when clearly you are not what their vision of you is. It really makes me mad when people want to push you into what they want you to be OR they think you should be the exact same person as you were before.

I hate to break it to you people, but that’s not how it works at all.

Robb described me to others as being a particular way. Well, that girl doesn’t exist any longer, and the people who want me to be that way DON’T SPEAK TO ME ANY MORE! I’m not what they want me to be, and they don’t like it. I see it as they are denying the death of the other person in my life and life should be as it always was. What they don’t realize is very simple. Life constantly changes, no one stays the same after 20 years. For me and Robb we had 27 years together. On June 23 it will be MY 34th wedding anniversary. Just because Robb is dead doesn’t mean the RELATIONSHIP is dead!

He Never Said Good Bye

As I was sitting at home one late afternoon I finally figured out why I still miss Robb so much. I know, amazing isn’t it. 

Robb called me from Iraq all the time. He was the NCOIC (non commissioned officer in charge) so he always had the phone. On both deployments, he would call and tell me how he was doing. Some days he was great and then some days he wasn’t doing so well. I never asked him what was wrong, if he felt I needed to know he told me.  For example he called one time to tell me about the rats. Apparently where he was at the time, the rats were pretty big and the guys used them as target practice.  Then another time he called to tell me the Iraqi police they were working with shot a puppy, but didn’t kill it. They just left the puppy to die a slow death. Well, if you knew Robb and how he felt about animals, you would understand Robb’s perspective and that wasn’t going to happen. So he called and while he told me about the pup, and together we put the pup out of it’s misery.  I will never forget that sound as long as I live either.

So you get the idea of the stuff he called to tell me about. I now remember that after our call was ending he never ever said “Goodbye.” So I never said it back to him.  So I never said Goodbye to him, and I love him as much now as I did when we were talking on the phone. We never said Goodbye.

Many not be able to relate to this, maybe you will, I don’t know.  You see, it was my heart that was in love with Robb for 27 years, and it’s my heart that is still in love with him 34 years later. My heart never stopped loving my main man, Robb. My heart never said Goodbye.

 Our Anniversary is coming up this month. I met, fell in love with, and married Robb 34 years ago.  Some things are timeless, even when half of the party isn’t physically here on earth. I still love you Robb, Always & Forever!

Image

 

One of my favorite pics of Robb. I call it, “My Man’s a Bad Ass” 

This Lonely Life of Mine

Being a widow is a lonely life. I’m sure some are wondering why I’m writing this, but I’ll tell you the truth and only the truth as I see it. Ever since Robb died in Iraq my life has become very lonely. I’m home most nights by myself. I rarely go out and when I do go out I’m by myself. On Tuesday afternoon I went to Barnes and Noble by myself to pick up a book that just came out. I hung out there as long as I could, but eventually I had to come home. Today I took the laptop to the Geek Squad to get it fixed, then I went and picked up lunch at a Philly steak place. Now the last two days I forced myself out the door, which it seems to have become the norm for me lately. Before Robb died I was always doing something with someone. What happened?

I think being a widow causes people to not want to talk to you for fear that they will say something that will remind me of Robb. Well, hell I do that all on my own anyway, so it’s not a biggie with me. I think people just don’t know how to talk to me anymore. They don’t know what to say for fear they might offend me or I them. They don’t want to take a look into my life as it is now knowing what my life was like before. I think it’s hard for them to do that. When Robb was alive we did stuff with other couples all the time. Now, my phone only rings when my daughter calls, my brother calls, or a telemarketing company calls. I think that a lot of women see me as who they don’t want to be, meaning the widow. There’s a connotation with the word “widow” and it’s not a good one either. When I really think about the word “widow” I think of something dark and kinda creepy. I don’t see happiness, joy, hope, or anything pleasant and that tells me most others see the same as I do. Now I must admit when I look at it that way, I wouldn’t want to spend time with me either, just because the word isn’t something we assign a good meaning to it. That’s sad I think. It would be so nice to have friends that would actually call me and say, “hey lets go to a movie, or go for a cup of coffee.” and yet that doesn’t happen.

I have discovered that this happens to other widows as well. But it still boggles my mind. Why do we do this? Why is being a widow so terrible that we don’t reach out and bring them into our group. At church I wanted to be in a small group, and after I signed up I never received a call. I’m not sure what happened, and I like to think there was a mistake along the way, but no one ever called and said you’re in our group. So after a while (like 2 years or so) I asked a couple of group leaders if I could be in their group, and I was told they needed to check with the group to be fair. I said OK and now I’m in a small group. I’m still not sure why widows are treated like the plague, but that’s how I’ve been treated. This whole death thing is weird anyway, and yet being a widow makes the death thing seem like a much better situation to be in. (not that I’m going to do anything like off myself, I’m way to chicken to do that.)

As American’s I think we view the whole death thing really oddly. Death isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and yet so many of us put such a dark gloomy cloud around it no one wants to even discuss it. Death shouldn’t be feared, well I don’t think it should. I know Robb didn’t fear it. He said so time after time again, “when it’s your time it’s time, there’s nothing you can do about it.” He is right too.

I don’t have any answers yet to my many questions, but rest assured I’m looking for the answers and when I have them I’ll pass them along.

idiots

There is something that I just don’t understand at all. Why does God allow the good guys to die and then let the arrogrant, jerks, bullheaded, pigs, and #1 A-holes to live and go about their life as if nothing is wrong?

Robb was such a good guy. He cared about people, and he would actually go over to visit elderly people because it is what we are supposed to do. He loved both of his kids to pieces, even when they disappointed him he loved them. He supported me in my quest to get my BA and then my Masters. He would help someone who needed the help. I don’t know how many times he worked on someone’s car for free because they needed the work done and had no money to pay for it. He mowed our neighbors grass because it needed to be done and the husband was out of town working. He loved his parents and was there when his father died. We spent I don’t know how much going down to Arizona to see his Mom and Dad whenever we could go, and when his Mom got mad at us because we stopped before going there to see friends, he told her that we’ll go to Vegas instead of coming there if she continued to be mad at us. He knew how much I didn’t like being around her when she was mad, and I know he didn’t like it either. He was willing to take me to Vegas to avoid his mother’s wrath. Robb was such a good guy, I only wish he didn’t die that day in Baghdad.

Finding My Way

OK, so I just got back from Mexico. I was on a mission trip to Queretaro working with nationals from (oh great I can’t remember the name of the church there)..Anyway, I learned a few things while I was there. #1. The Mexican people are generous beyond what I had thought possible. #2. Queretaro is probably the cleanest city I’ve ever seen. And Finally, #3 Sharing my testimony/story is still difficult to do, but my words speak volumns to many. I never really knew how my story would effect others, and it seemed to me that every time I turned around, Israel would say to me, “Cait, would you share your testimony for us now?” I wanted to say, “Nah, ya’ll don’t want to hear this.” But I was so wrong.  In sharing it with others actually helped me remember one basic concept that I think as Christians we forget sometime.  God is Good, All the Time!

Yes, Robb dying in Iraq is the pits, or as Priscilla says, “it’s a shit sandwich”, but there has been some good come out of this. Aside from all of the crap that has been said to me/done to me etc, people really listened to what I had to say, and in turn my words had a great effect on me. I’ve been reminded by myself that there is a purpose with my circumstances. I forget this at times, but I need to remember the purpose is not necessarily what I think how it should be. Still, there are days when it is difficult.

I don’t particularily like my life as a single person. I much rather have Robb around so we can hold hands while we walk down the street. I’d have someone to give a smooch to when I want to, and most of all I’d have my best friend that I could talk to. I really miss all of this stuff. And I could do without the crap that people say to me, but alas that is not my life. My life now is different than from before, but I can’t say yet that it’s better, no can’t say that and I won’t. But my life is changing, and I’m not exactly sure if the change is a really good change or a sorta good change, or just a change. COMPRENDE’? You see, it’s like a trip that I’m taking and I don’t have any directions from anyone to tell me where to go. I get to find out all on my own. It’s a bit odd when someone tells me what they think I should be doing, but I know they are just trying to help me. In reality, it just pisses me off when someone does that. So I found myself in Mexico on a mission trip. I’m not sure if this path is the ONE for me, but I’m glad I went and discovered a few things.

I enjoy doing something for others.  Cooking is always a great stress relief. Evangelism isn’t one of my gifts, but I’ll do it when the opportunity arises.

So, I’m finding my way. Some might disagree with the way I’m heading, but it ain’t their life now is it? NOPE, so I’ll continue to find my way in this odd strange world we live in.