When? Now that is a huge question, isn’t it? When will things change? When will the rain stop? When will this or that stop? When will my life be better?

When is a big word and it’s only 4 letters. People might not think of “When” as being a big word, but I believe it is.

Personally it’s a word I’ve used far to often. Eight years ago next month Robb was KIA in Iraq. No he wasn’t a baby killer either. Anyway, since that day I used “when” all the bloody time. When will this ache in my heart cease? When will I smile again? When will someone love me again? When will I feel like I’m not a widow? WHEN, it’s a big word.

The last when in the previous paragraph hits home hard lately. I wonder if I ever will think of myself as simply single instead of a widow. Does that even happen? I’m not sure. It’s hard to say. I’m really not sure how people react when you tell them you’re a widow. Sometimes they ask how did your spouse die, and then the explanation is often hard to tell. So it’s easier just to say single. BUT I hate saying “single” because I’m not just single.

I was single when I was 19. At 20 I was a married woman (the whole woman thing needs to be looked at but not now) For the next 27 years I was married to Robb. It wasn’t easy, but marriage usually isn’t easy. Being married to Robb and being his wife was a part of my being in itself. Now, that I’m single (widow) that connection is not there that people see. Right now I know I’m single, but it sure doesn’t feel like I am. Then if you answer people “Married” they ask where is your husband. Telling them he’s dead just doesn’t work for a sound conversation, you know what I mean. So I usually answer widow, so they know that I was married but now I’m not. After that most people walk away.

When will answering ‘single’ not feel so awkward? Here I am 55 years old and single. A lot of people would think, ah to bad she’s single never married kind of thing, which is so flippin’ far from the truth. When you say you’re a widow, people automatically know you were married! AH that’s settled then. You did have someone in your life. And they walk away.

When will this feeling of being totally alone cease? When will being single be OK? When will I discover that being exactly who I am right now at any given point in time feel completely and totally right? When?

YEA, When is a BIG word


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