I Wonder

I wonder what he would have been like at 29? What kind of job would he have had, and where would he be living? I wonder if his eyes are the same blue as his dad’s.

I think these are just a few of the questions a parent has for the child who has died. I always wanted the best for my son, and I wanted him to be happy and content in his life. I wanted for him to love life, even though life was a bitch at that moment in time. Now after 5+ years that he’s been gone, I still wonder all of these things.

Suicide is tragic! Families are affected, friends are affected, and yet no one really knows how to talk about it. I’m not ashamed that it happened in my immediate family, not at all. Heck, if you look at family history, you will see 2 great grandfathers both committed suicide. Then on the other side there was some mental illness in the family, BUT no one ever talked about it. Why is that? I wish someone would have said something, but back then it wasn’t done. You didn’t talk about mental health at all. It was labeled as shameful and goodness knows we don’t air out our dirty laundry.

Maybe it’s time to air out all of the dirty laundry in our families. Get it out in the open and seriously discuss it and at least try to prevent it from continuing in the family.

I will always wonder what Dylan would be like today. I miss that boy/man so much. He didn’t have a lot of happiness in his life after Annie divorced him at 22. Then his Dad was killed in action in Iraq, and I don’t think he thought he could ever live up to his dad’s expectations. The funny thing is, his dad’s only expectation for Dylan was that he finish something. That’s all his dad wanted him to do. Whether it be school, or some project. It didn’t matter. Well I guess he actually did finish something. He didn’t have to stay on this earth and he made sure that was done.

Am I mad? No, not really. I do feel cheated out of a life I wanted to know, and see grow into the man I know he could have been. Being cheated isn’t any fun, and very few people totally understand. Maybe I screwed up and didn’t see the signs, but considering I didn’t know the signs and no one told me what to look for I guess I didn’t screw up.

I wonder if only we had known what was going on in that head of his what would be different. I love you bubba1262446_10201537932268304_932767209_o.


2 thoughts on “I Wonder

  1. Hi,

    I just came across your blog and specifically, this post.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know that I will never be able to understand what you have and are going through…

    And this is coming from me, someone who has attempted suicide 4 times this year within the space of 3 months. Never tried before.

    I know that I am a stranger and you don’t know who or where I am in the world… But reading things like this, and in losing my best friend to suicide only a month ago makes me want to fight even more for my life. For the sake of myself and for others.

    I wish you well.

  2. Saveme, Thanks for the comment. I want you to consider something for me. Think about how different your family’s life would be without you. It wouldn’t be better, I know this. There are aspects of our lives that none of us are proud of, BUT there are other aspects that SHINE and make others SHINE along with you. The love that is all around you and the people who love you would cease if you weren’t living and walking on this earth. Never think anything different. Because as a mother, I know another mother would be devestated without her son.
    Keep fighting, because you are totally worth the effort.

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