Tonight I watched Desperate Housewives. I used to watch it all the time when it first came on TV. At the time my daughter was living here and we would watch it together. It was a crazy time, Robb was deployed in Iraq and at night we either watched the food channel and on Sunday nights Desperate Housewives. Then once she moved out of this house, I quit watching the show. Then this year I started watching it again.
Tonights show was Mike Delfino’s funeral and it was harder to watch than I thought it would be. When Susan said, “nothing will ever get better ever again.” I understood what her character was going through cause I’ve been exactly in the same place. As I watched this on the tele, I remembered how hard it has been to get beyond feeling that life will never be like it was. Life won’t be, but at the time I didn’t want anything but the life I had. I still don’t know what kind of life I want now. Right now I’m pretty lonely.
Robb and I used to do a lot of stuff with other couples. Now I don’t do anything with anyone. It’s like when Robb died, all the folks we did stuff with died as well. And I know for a fact that they didn’t. They are still married, and as far as I know, happy too. Me, well I can’t really say that I’m happy. I remember being happy with Robb. I remember being excited that Robb and I were going out for coffee and meet some friends. I remember a lot when he was alive. I remember I was happy with him. Now I’m not sure what I am. I do know that I want more than what I have right now. I just wish I knew how to get there.