I’m in a group of widows/widowers and we often share our feelings and the like with each other through the Internet. Now, before I go on there is one thing you should know, I can only tell what I feel and how I see things in this world. I’m no expert, but I do have experience.
With that being said I want to say something about being hopeless. This happens usually after the death of someone you love with all of your heart. The day that Robb died, on that street in Baghdad, I literally thought my life was over as I knew it. Well, technically it was over, but not the way that I was thinking at the time.
How would I go on? What’s gonna happen now? Who’s is going to love me for me? These are just some of the questions that kept running through my head that first year. (Yes a Year!) It’s a very scary situation to be in, and from my experience it wasn’t anywhere near comforting when someone said, “don’t worry everything will be alright.” Because at that time, nothing was going to be alright because Robb was dead. At least that’s what I was told, but I hadn’t seen his body, so I was secretly hoping that it was a mistake. Weird I know, but all kinds of weird stuff goes through your head when faced with something as catastrophic as your husband dying by a sniper bullet. So for a long time I felt hopeless. My life sucked. I didn’t feel I could smile anymore and not betray Robb and mourn his death. This feeling really doesn’t last forever, as I thought it would when I was going through it.
I think my sense of hopeless ended last year. I think, I’m really not sure when it happened either, it really began while I was in Kitale, Kenya. While I was in Kenya, I began to realize that everything is going to work out fine, but as of right now I’m not sure how I came about feeling this way. I’m not saying at all that widows need to go to Kenya to “get over” their loss, because I don’t believe “getting over” Robb’s death will ever totally be something that will happen for me. BUT, I feel the hopeless feeling is now gone. This has nothing to do with a new boyfriend (there isn’t one) or my horrendous amount of friends that keep me busy (cause that ain’t happened either), but rather it’s something that sits in my soul now that I just can’t explain in words that I even understand. Hopeless is gone. It took awhile for it to take residence elsewhere, and I’m so happy it has decided to leave. So I understand when another widow/er says something to akin to being hopeless. I totally get it. Most importantly, I can tell them that it doesn’t last forever. I know cause mine is now gone.